As I was searching for old songs, I stumbled upon a Gavin Degraw song which perfectly explains my current situation. The lyrics go, "If you ask me what I'm doing, I would say I'm doing just fine. I would lie and say that you're not on my mind."
The song caught my attention and I remembered you. The mere thought of you suddenly gave me flashbacks, which I always try to avoid. Not that you're a bad memory, but because I hate regretting the decision I made. It's funny how a single song abruptly led me to reminiscence.
What we had was something special. It was special in the kind of way that I couldn't put into words. It was the love that I've always hoped for.
I was never the clingy type. I may not have told you "I love you" every day, but I always made sure that you felt it. Whenever we'd talk, I'd look straight into your eyes because that's what I love about you—your eyes that serve as a gateway to your emotions. I figured that out the moment you first laid your eyes on me the day after I agreed to be your girlfriend.
We were never the typical couple that would always hold hands and show people that we're together. You never talked about it, but I knew how much you want everyone to know about us. It was so selfish of me, but I want you to know how sorry I was for our situation. It was difficult and frustrating at the same time, but it amazed me how patient you are. You made me feel that I was worth it.
Just like any other relationship, we had our fair share of arguments. And you, being your wonderful self, would always set aside your feelings and embrace all my flaws.
I won't ever forget the day you cried to me when I said it was over. I had no choice but to remain nonchalant, because I knew that I needed to be strong for us. I wanted you to see that my decision was final and noone, not even you, could change it. I kept thinking that this was the worst yet the best decision for the both of us. You don't know how much I wanted to tell you that I'd wait for the right time for us to happen again. I'd tell you that, but I couldn't because I wanted to be fair to you. I wanted you to find the love that you've always desired and sad to say, it wasn't me. It was the most saddening decision I made and I never heard anything from you. I guess you saw that coming because right before we had the talk, I kept dropping hints on you. You have no idea how many nights I spent crying because I never imagined myself drifting away from you. If I never made that decision, do you think we will still be where we are now?
Another school year has started, three months after our breakup. And from there, the feeling that I thought would never come again, came. The tingly feeling in my stomach came back because for the first time after we parted ways, I'll be able to see your face again. The face that I have and will always love. But what's so sad about it is that I came to realize that it will never be the same.
Never in my wildest dreams have I been this crazy in love. I never thought that I could be so eager going to school every day, knowing that I might bump into you or just simply get a glimpse at your wonderful face from afar. That's how simple you can complete my day. You don't know how much I'm dying for us to have a casual conversation where I can look straight into your eyes again—those eyes that I always long for. Months passed and we still haven't made any progress. That was when I came to a realization that maybe there are some things that weren't bound to happen.
I was never a fan of goodbyes but I know that it's inevitable. Graduation came and there you were, standing in front of many people, delivering your valedictory speech. I was so proud of you that I wasn't able to control my tears while looking at you. After all the hugs, kisses, and goodbyes, I got to meet your family for the first time. All of you were so nice and I was so speechless when your dad came up to me and asked for a picture. It was such a priceless moment. That day was filled with happiness, but it didn't change the fact that we'd be going our separate ways.
College has started and since then, I started missing you. I kept thinking of ways how we could possibly meet and how I could get you to say yes without me being so obvious of missing you. I started making excuses but you didn't seem to notice it. Fortunately, the universe finally agreed with me. God knows that I'm beyond happy for the short time that we spent together. I don't know what caused my enthusiasm to see you, but I do realized something the last time we saw each other—things will never be back to the way it used to be, no matter how much you want it to.
But then, one day, I woke up missing the feeling of being in love. I miss you. I miss the way your eyes sparkle whenever you smile. I miss your wittiness. I miss the way you react whenever I make fun of your "old" hands. I miss the feeling whenever you show how you care for me in your own little ways. I miss your voice. I miss you, I just plainly miss everything about you.
God knows how much I pray for you every single day. I kept praying for Him to grant you your heart's desires and the happiness that you deserve.
I admit that until now, I still find it hard to move on. I kept myself busy with everything, hoping that I might forget this uneasy feeling that keeps on weighing down my heart. I kept convincing myself that I have moved on and this is just the effect of all our memories that kept on haunting me every single day. I kept thinking that maybe I was just in love with the fact that I once became yours.
Until now, you still occupy the biggest space in my heart. Thank you for the blissfulness you once made me feel. Thank you for making me feel that I was worth it. Thank you for all the memories that I will surely treasure for the rest of my life. If I would go on thanking you for all the things you taught me, nothing will ever be enough. We may not have had the happiest relationship, but I know the love that we shared was real.
It's not every day that you meet someone who will truly leave a big mark on your life and for that, I'm grateful that I met you. You will always be the guy who once made my heart smile—you always will. I don't know why all these things happened, but I do believe that God has a better plan for the both of us. I just pray that in the future, if we weren't meant to be together, we will still remain good friends and all of these sentiments will just be a good story to tell.
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