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I think I’m experiencing an identity crisis of sorts.

See, here’s what I’ve discovered. As a Maria Victoria Isabel,  I have come to realize that those three names represent different facets of my personality (and, as if you need more information to prove my freakiness, there’s also Vicky to account for). How I discovered them, I know not. I think the idea might have come from when I got so heartbroken and I started hearing voices in my head. A calm one, an angry one, and one doing la la la la la la laaaaaaa!!!

So there’s Maria, the prim and proper pragmatist; Victoria, the leader (also sometimes the intense intellectual beatnik also sometimes the rockstar); Isabel, artistic, colorful and casual (occasionally the bohemian wildchild) and Vicky, the awkward girl who can’t talk to cute boys. (No, seriously. I have like, 10 crushes [not kidding, I can give you a list], at least one in all of my orgs and classes, and I haven’t talked or really made friends with any one of them. Yes, you are free to shoot me.)

Think about it this way. When I think of Maria, I think of lace, peach, pink. Sedate, sober, romantic. Think of your mother, but only 16. When I think of Victoria, I see a beret, rimmed glasses, an all-black outfit. Think Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face before she became a model. Top it off with a big gloop of sarcasm. When I think of Isabel, I think of polka dots and color and quirk and funk (yes, she has all the fun). Think of your sunniest friend and your genuinely artsiest friend, then combine. When a friend gets heartbroken, Maria brings the warm soup and the comfort food and the FRIENDS DVDs, Victoria starts rambling on about how men suck and that they should be eliminated through bombing *insert evil laugh*, how their masochistic tendencies *insert feminist jargon* and Isabel just sort of stays there and hugs the friend without really saying anything, just agreeing and saying “Don’t worry, wala siyang pwet. You deserve someone with at least a plateau for an ass.” When in the mood, Isabel might just make you an extraordinary, pop-up greeting card with a haiku.

The heartbroken friend? That’s Vicky.

You tell me how you can’t have a crisis with all these identities you have to keep up with. Good thing there’s my subconscious (who takes care of the acting for me). For some reason, I manage to show every single facet when a certain occasion rises (like the previous example used, when a bad, bad boy broke your best friend’s heart).

In all honesty, I never really had a big problem with all these identities until I got to university. I was thrust in front of the stage, without a script, and with all these characters that I have to portray. I can be anyone I want to be. And that gets difficult, because every personality has her set of good and bad traits, and you have to reconcile all of that. And there’s the big problem of having to choose who’s the star of the show, and who plays the supporting roles.

Good heavens. No wonder I’m nuts and I boyfriend-less. I might need a therapist.

M, V, I…and V.

Posted in Reflections | No Comments »

I don’t have many regrets in life, but most of them seem to come from being afraid.

I hate that about myself. I hate it that I can make you think that I’m this person, and I’m not pala ’cause I was too darn afraid to do something.

Where does the fear come from, anyway? Making mistakes? Being embarrassed? Just being wrong? (knowing myself, this is a valid option)

All these things happen simultaneously. You make a mistake, you get embarrassed because well, you’re wrong.

But is it worth the fear? You make a mistake, you correct it. Who knows, you might even improve the original situation. You get embarrassed, well honey, nobody really gives a crap, and no one really thinks what you’re thinking, unless you really want them to think that way.

You make a mistake, you get up, get down and dirty, and try again. Get comforted by the thought of another tomorrow.

So with my resolution (for the nth time) to be the brave girl that I am meant to be (I am a Victoria after all), is my You Can Do It! playlist. Intended for jogging in the morning, which never really happened ever (not even once over the summer break), I leave you the playlist so it wouldn’t gather virtual dust.

(at the small chance that you’d like to listen to them, I made the video size small so you can listen to it in the background )

1. Float On – Modest Mouse

2. I’m Not Down – The Clash

3. You’ll Find A Way – Santigold

4. Barracuda – Heart

5. Try It Again – The Hives (this is the blog title, actually)

Don’t lose your head to all the headbanging, a’right folks?

And remember, we’ll all float on all right.

V.

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Also known as Biki’s Study Teeps.

***

Well, I had to. My grade in the card was 86, and if went any lower, then I would have had to say bye-bye to the Honor Roll, and perhaps to a somehow epic graduation gift. I had to pull my grades up. Kailangang kumayod.

And kayod, I did. I worked smart. Not necessarily hard, but smart.

Following smart girl Jessica Zafra’s advice, here’s what I did.

1. I genuinely got interested in the subject.
   I’d rather take up balancing equations than trajectories (‘Cause I rock like that, yo), but what can you do. Getting inspiration from my previous epic fail grades, I got really interested in what I was missing out. I brought out the inner engineer in me and tried to find the Physics in everything. (as in, I had to ask why someone slides down faster in the water slide lying down than sitting up. And also: Are you gravity, because I can’t help falling for you! WEHH )
2. Therefore, I paid attention in class.
   I didn’t poke my seatmate when I had to make kwento (like, ohmahgawsh) and I didn’t doodle Mrs. *insert surname* in class. Because I wanted to know what was going on, I paid attention and participated.
   I sought to understand, so I learned.
3. I studied after every new lesson.
   Studying everyday isn’t as tedious as one might think. When you get home and you’re motivated, it’s easy to plop yourself down that study chair and hit the notebooks. I took my time, and I didn’t rush things. I only stopped studying when I am contented with my knowledge and understanding. If not, then I take note of my questions in post-its, asked my teacher the next day (while we were still tackling the lesson), and all is good. It helped that I had only a few concepts to grasp and a few things to study, so I wasn’t very overwhelmed.
   When there’s no new lesson, edi free time! Woohoo! So…
4. I rocked and I rolled.
   Meaning, I had fun! After studying, I was free to browse the internet, to read a book, to watch a movie, to turn on the ‘tube, and surprisingly, doing all that comes highly recommended. According to Jessica Zafra, (I hope this does not count as plagiarism), “You should do something else right after you study. Play tennis, hit the court, draw a doodle. Being distracted helps your brain process the newly-acquired information.”
5. 3Rs. Review. Review. Review.
   Review the lessons in your head.
   Review your notes the moment you forget something.
   Review (read your notes) at least thrice. This seems tiring and tedious, but it’s worth it.
6. I didn’t study the night before the test.
   Being confident with what I knew, I sat down at my desk, reviewed my notes until I got bored (that was around give or take 10 minutes later), and then watched Pretty Persuasion (not a very good movie, but amusing enough). And then I slept.
   And guess what, I got a 96 in that exam!
   That’s why I was kapal enough to put how to ace your Physics exam.
   ‘Cause aced it was what I did.

So, I hope you found these tips useful not only for your Physics class, but also in your other classes. Get motivated, ladies. It’s what’s going to keep you going.

I hope you rock this school year,
V.

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In life, I realized that more often than not, you are given what you truly need, or what is truly necessary for the enrichment of your existence. (Well, if your mind is wired that way, but that’s for an entirely different blog post)

This summer, I planned many things for myself. I planned to watch (and I mean watch 24/7) all the movies I’ve accumulated over the school year, I planned to update my iTunes (even with the absence of an iPod), I planned to enroll in piano classes, in dance classes, in yoga classes, in Adobe programs classes. I tossed out losing weight as a goal, I want to have fun and not be conscious about my flabby tummy.

It’s the first week of June, so in some ways, my summer is over. Even the heavens agree, it gave us a rather hefty dose of rain today, which seemed to have a positive effect on me, seeing how I started to actually cross off things in my to-do list that day. And now is when I realize that out of all the grand things I’ve planned, I’ve done none. I halven’t moved a step closer to achieving any of those.

But you know what? I like it that way.

Because in lieu of learning how to make an animated character in Flash, I spent a day with my friends buggering the heck out of the neighbors. Instead of practicing my downward dog, I hosted a slumber party with my neighbors (which was ironic, seeing how they live next to us). Instead of watching a movie, I had spectacular conversations.

I got what I needed.

Because while taking my before-sleep shower, I realized that I needed this. I needed the time to repair friendships, to strengthen relationships, to bond with my neighbors because the moment I pack my bags and stay in my dorm, this will all be gone. No matter how much we argue that this can happen again, it never will. We’ll all gather again, it won’t be the same. It could be as great, maybe even better, but it won’t be the same.

Gone is the innocence, the stark idealism about what lies ahead. Gone will be the excitement with something fresh and new. Gone is the paranoia that perhaps when you go, everyone else will too.

I have all my college life to be creative, being a part-communications (hard to explain, “my” school *naks* has a knack for fancy course names) student. I have my college life to learn Flash, or InDesign, or Illustrator. But I won’t have enough time in my college life to stay under the stars and talk. I won’t have as much time to cook and flip a seven-egg omelet while my friends are making noise in the living room. I probably won’t even have time to watch Basha and Popoy break up, and then get together again! Oh, sadness.

So I realize that I’m lucky to have what I have now. I may have a lot to catch on with Flash and Illustrator, and my Photoshop skills could possibly have gone down a little, but I have had the most spectacular, fabulous, amazing, *insert super great grabe adjective* conversations and experiences with the best people in my life, and I don’t think anything will worth as much as that.

I pack my bags with happy memories, and for that, I am infinitely grateful.

Peace. V.

Posted in Happy Thoughts, Relationships | 3 Comments »

All my failures in life seem to stem from freaking out. Especially the boy-related failures.

Once, I liked this guy, and I would always see him wherever I go. Literally. Perhaps sharing the same mall-rat gene, I’d find my heart skipping beats, palms and forehead sweating, and shaking hands texting my gal pals “HOLY *INSERT EXPLETIVE* ANDITO SI *INSERT NAME!” every time I spot him in a mall. When we cross paths, I find that I can’t look him in the eye, and I always end up looking down, and my mum would, embarrassingly, do all the smiling for me. Once, I looked back and I saw him and his family whispering amongst themselves and looking at my direction.

That could just have been me flattering myself, or that is the result of my freaking out. It was that bad, and perhaps I was that embarrassing.

That’s how it went. In ATC, in MOA, in Powerplant… No wonder I didn’t snag him, I always managed to look like a perfect fool in front of him and his family.

That’s freaking out for you.

And it’s fascinating, how a girl can turn into instant mush with a guy. I find it so easy to sink down that hellhole of “What ifs” and Facebook notifications that shouldn’t have been seen. It’s easy to weave a fairytale, and far easier to find that you have weaved yourself into the middle of the web, and that reality is that big, hairy black spider coming to bite you in your pretty little bum.

Now that I am faced with more prospects (Hel-lo Col-lege), I have decided to adapt the mantra of the infinitely cool: “Chill, man.” It’s even adept to the ways of Taoism. Go with the flow. All problems stem from impeding the natural course of nature.

Ergo: relax. Freaking out is never a good option, so it’s best to eliminate it. You find yourself liking this guy that you’re not supposed to (be it a guy who doesn’t cross out every characteristic in your “My Ideal Guy” list, or liking a close guy friend even) and you fight so hard, so hard to keep the feelings at bay. Relax, it’s okay. When your mind drifts off to him, let it be. But don’t worsen the situation by thinking of him some more. Neither should you be “STOP STOP STOP” (and then actually think of him some more) Relax, and sooner or later, you’ll find yourself and your thoughts drifting off to something else.

To nick off a quote from Neil Gaiman’s Destruction (The Wake), “It’s astonishing, how much trouble one can get oneself into, if one works at it… And astonishing how much trouble one can get oneself out of, if one simply assumes that everything will, somehow or other, work out for the best.”

And it’s a bit difficult, building that kind of reliance and confidence. If you choose to be confident in your god, or in your religion, or in your beliefs, then good for you. If you choose to be confident in yourself, then good for you.

If you don’t know who to rely on when you’re freaking out, or if you’re not confident on anyone or anything, then we have a problem.

So instead of freaking out, maybe you can work on that?

Maybe you can work out your relationship with your god. Maybe you can work out your relationship with yourself. Instead of obsessing over Facebook captions, statuses, and pictures, maybe it’ll be better if you preoccupy yourself with working on your talents, finding out who you are, or reading your religion’s scripture.

Because, I’ve been told, that the best things in life come while you’re doing something else. And when that best thing has come, then baby, you’d be ready to take it on and enjoy the ride.

So stop freaking out, baby. Take a chill pill, yeah?

Peace. V

Posted in Etcetera | 7 Comments »