Candy Feels
What It's Like to be a Broke Fangirl
"Okay lang 'yan. May next concert pa."
PHOTO MBC

A girl, living in this day and age, isn't considered normal if we don't stan an artist or two. Terms like fandom, stan, trash, antis, bias, bias wrecker, ship, feels, carrots (seriously, you'll be amazed at how fans come up with these words, or phrases like, "I cannot," #RIPovaries, "I'm done," "I don't know what life is anymore," "Asdfghjkkl," and so much more are so commonly used. Most of the time, they're accompanied by screaming, ugly sobbing, crying, gasping, dramatic walling, excessive drooling, punching and kicking the air, head banging, pterodactyl screeching, squeeling...basically, a minute or two of losing your soul.

Every minute of your life is dedicated to stalking them. You watch everything about them and you know anything about them. Every little detail about them is magnified in your eyes, whether it's that small mole under his nose or that little scar on his arm, or that blue pillow he's used since he was eight. Everything there is to know about them, you've memorized in your head—as if youre life depended on that skill. Creepy as it may seem, but you just love them with all your heart.

But there's one problem: finances. That's where Team Bahay comes in; we're the ones who are always left out. We love them as much as the other fan girls out there, but the amount of money we have in our pockets isn't enough. Most of the time, we're the ones who work hard the most in supporting them in everything.

But there's one problem: finances. That's where Team Bahay comes in; we're the ones who are always left out.

The person or people we desperately want to see could be a hundred rows away. To be noticed by them is a far-fetched dream, a reality that can only happen in an alternate universe. Because we have to be practical, we have to be considerate in spending our parents' money, we have to put the things we need first. We may want something desperately, but more often than not, we just can't have them. That's the tragedy of our lives.

The person or peopl we desperately want to see could be a hundred rows away. To be noticed by them is a far-fetched dream, a reality that can only happen in an alternate universe.

CDs, fan merch, concerts tickets, light sticks, posters, plane tickets to go to their country...these are just some of the things a fangirl would wish she could afford. But no matter how many side jobs we have or how many meriendas we skip, we still can't afford them. We're the ones stuck in front of our computers, trying our best to be content with a 30-second video and blurry footage from fancams.

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We may be under the same sky, but the gap feels like its wide enough to fit another planet. How we wish we could participate in their fan projects or be part of the crowd singing along to their songs, screaming our hearts out, crying, and having the time of our lives. We also want to experience the excitement and anticipation before the concert, the hype during the concert, and that hangover after the concert that we will struggle with for weeks. We also want to feel those things. We also want a taste of it. We also want to be a part of it. 

"Sa next concert na lang ako pupunta."

"Mag-iipon na talaga ako, swear!"

"Okay lang 'yan; may next concert pa naman."

"Sa lahat nang pupunta, hope you enjoy."

We're actually crying inside. These are the classic lines Team Bahay lives by. We comfort ourselves by saying that we'll go to the next concert or next project. For sure. But then again, we've probably said that for the nth time already. 

At home, we're actually drowning in our tears. People may think it as a petty tantrum of an obsessed hormonal teenager, but it's so much more than that. These are the people that saved us from ourselves, the ones who helped us go further, the ones who motivated us. Seeing them, even if we're a hundred rows away from them, means the world to us.

I don't think I could explain it with words, but if you're a fangirl and have an affinity to Team Bahay or Team Labas, you'll know how we feel. The greatest moment a fangirl could have would probably be that moment when we see the person or the people that saved us, that made our lives worth living again, that painted colors to our dull lives. We aren't dramatic and we aren't petty; we're just heartbroken broke fangirls.

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