Candy Feels
From Our Readers: Why I Chose Not to Move On
I know there's no use pretending that I'm okay.
PHOTO MCA Music ART Clare Magno

People saw how bad it got for me when you decided to walk away. They knew how I was feeling because they willingly let me drag them into the blackhole I was in just so I can feel I still have someone. They let me cry, let me scream your name at the top of my lungs, let me play our song over and over and over again. They let me be a wreck for a short while until they told me to stop. This should be enough and it's time to move on, they said. I thought so, too.

So that's what I did. I stopped moping. I stopped destroying who I was. I tried my best to fix myself, to get back on track, and do what I was supposed to be doing. I kept myself busy on chasing my dreams. I pretended I was okay deep down, when I knew that I really wasn't.

But I know that pretending to be okay wasn't what they mean when they told me to move on. I know that they were telling me to stop thinking about you, caring for you, loving you. But I didn't, not just yet. I've thrown away every evidence of what I've been through except for my love for you—the love I have decided to keep a little bit longer than necessary.

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I am still hurting so bad and there is no way I could escape this pain. I can't even deny that I'm still feeling it because sometimes I can't even endure it. I still let myself be a wreck sometimes, especially when I am missing you so bad. And you know what, trying to shake this pain off of me just breaks my heart a hundred times more than how I should be feeling.

Getting rid of this pain, the only thing that's left of you in me, means getting rid of you too. And I don't think I could do that. Not just yet.

There can never be a rational reason of trapping myself in these feelings. And sometimes I also ask myself why do I do this, but the same answer comes to me no matter how I rephrase the question. I love you so much. Maybe the feeling's too strong that it doesn't matter if I open my palm and let it roll away or hold on to it tightly. It will still linger longer than it is supposed to be.

For now, I want to savor everything and maybe tire myself from hurting until the moment comes that the feelings itself gives up on me.

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