Candy Feels
From Our Readers: Why Can't It Be the Two of Us?
I've taken one step back, but I always find myself beside you.
PHOTO Capitol Records ART Clare Magno

It has been seven years of a rollercoaster friendship and here we are, still counting. I don't even know how we were able to surpass all those years. How many times did I even use the We're Just Friends line for every Are You Together? How many times did I even have to tell myself that I should distance myself from you?

For all those attempts at goodbye, I always end up feeling like I can't leave.

They always say that there can never be a girl and boy friendship without malice. Is that really impossible? All this time, I tried my best to prove them wrong. I tried so hard not to fall for one of my best friends. We even called each other ate and kuya. But it seems like the joke was on me after all.

We have been through the ups and downs of each other's lives. I saw you in your most vulnerable stage when your father passed away in an accident, when I almost thought I'd also lose you. My heartbeat got so crazy that time you called me on the 21st of January, relieved that you're okay but broken upon hearing your voice trembling as you cried on the phone. You told me that you needed me. I came to the funeral, surprised by how tight you hugged me.

You broke down in tears and so did I. You told me to stay for a while, saying that you needed me, so I did. That's what best friends are for, right?

Then there's that time I injured my knee. I knew how much you cared that sometimes I wondered if that kind of concern is still part of our friendship. It may sound a little assuming, but you were acting so different that I misinterpreted things. Whenever I think about it, I just clear my thoughts by remembering those words you've told me before:

"If time comes that I will have to choose between being a couple and being friends, our friendship will be more important to me. Being a couple means there's a tendency of breaking up but friendship means having each other forever."

We've been in real relationships for the past years and none of them seemed to work out. I don't know why they keep on misinterpreting our closeness. Maybe we're just too blinded about our friendship—the label that we settled with until now. One of your ex-girlfriends even confessed to me that she let you go because you were acting too innocent about how you really felt. She even asked me if I loved you. I was just speechless, that caught me off guard.

But do you know what hurts most? When she told me that you never looked at her in the same way you looked at me. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. Did we accidentally teach ourselves how to fall in love with each other instead in all these years that we've been friends? I want to say sorry, I didn't meant it to be that way. Yes, I did like you. But you liking me back was beyond me.

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Do you know how many years I've spent just to figure it out myself? It drives me crazy whenever I think about it. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I don't want to lose you. I don't want us to change. I am contented with what we have right now. 

Then here you are, asking my mother if you can pursue me. She was okay with it. She has always been supportive on the idea of us. I also appreciate this attention you're giving me right now. I won't lie anymore about how I feel for you. I love you. I know I always did. But have you really liked me the way I've wanted you to? Are you sure of what you're asking? Or you just need me for some assurance that someone will always be there for you whenever you needed another hand?

I don't want to risk our friendship. You can back out any moment, just say it. I'm giving you the chance to save what we have. If you're just confused about how you really feel about me, then don't do this. I don't want to break my heart again. I'm so done letting you go and staying as your best friend.

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