Writing was my way of letting go of people. It has always been about some infatuation, or someone I had deep feelings for. This was my way of finally accepting that there is no hope for the different happy endings I've created in my head. This time though, it is different. I have to let go of a friend, of a reality.
I have reflected on this for the past few days already. I've said my piece. I've apologized. Sometimes, though, you just know that there's no turning back. There's no putting things back the way they used to be. I know I've hurt you, and this breakup (yes, I'm using this term) is hurting me—more than those infatuations and fantasies with people I've somehow invested my feelings in, because what we had was real. Our friendship (before it ended) was genuine. You were one of the few "real" people I knew and because I know you well enough, I'm also aware that is the end of our friendship.
I've said my piece. I've apologized. Sometimes, though, you just know that there's no turning back.
I had different friends in different stages of my life but as a defense mechanism, I tried not to invest in people. I knew that over time, we will eventually drift apart or there will be circumstances that will be out of our control that will eventually end the friendship. I think this is also the reason why I didn't actually get hurt much when these friends and I stopped talking and drifted apart; I was ready for it to happen.
I never called anyone my best friend, unless they put that label on our friendship first. Even if people actually give us that term, I still have this awkward feeling of calling my relationship with close people as such. As with "romantic" relationships, I also play it safe with friendship. Same with my conclusion over and over again, I know myself well enough to not be able to handle the pain once these relationships end. I hated getting attached to people.
With you, I eventually let my guard down.
After those intimate talks about life, ourselves, the future, I slowly trusted that this was a special friendship, something that I need not get scared of. I had my doubts, of course, especially when I moved to a different place, but unexpectedly, we stayed close. You were the one I can call at night to rant about what I'm going through—may it be a happy or depressing story about my work or never-ending self-issues or a current infatuation. You had this way of calming me down when I got anxious or giving me confidence to come out of my shell. I knew what we went through together, those tita words of wisdom helped me get through the past difficult two years of my adult life. You made "adulting" bearable for me. You were willing to do things without me asking. I accepted you with your issues and you accepted me with all my quirks.
But since this is a letter to let you go, allow me to slowly let go of these memories. Allow me to apologize for hurting you. I've tried to explain myself already but I know that I'm not really good with words, my actions can be extremely offensive. I will never be able to explain how this is hurting me and how I know I made very stupid decisions and uttered stupid words for you to see and understand things differently. I hope you also understand that not everyone's courageous and confrontational like you.
We have our differences which I thought was the best thing about our friendship. Apparently, these differences will also be the reason to break us apart.
Maybe if we were in a different phase of our lives, maybe if I said the right words, you would've understood, but we're not and I didn't. This is a reality and an ending I have to face already. The damage has been done.
After thinking this through, I came to the resolution of how I should also learn to forgive myself. What's done is done. I've made the wrong decisions and if you can't let it go, I have to so I can gain peace with myself. Goodbye to the reality of this friendship. I believe that God brings people in our lives for a reason and I will always thank Him for the perfect timing He brought you into mine. I learned a lot from you on how to face my demons and be a stronger person. I might still be afraid to take risks but I'm sure, in the future, I will remember your voice pushing me to "just do it".
Maybe it's time to face my demons alone and I will have to go do that now. So goodbye and thank you, my friend. Cliché as it may sound, I really wish and pray all the best for you. I wish you happiness, in love and in life. You're one of the strongest people I know so I'm sure you'll do fine without me and you will get all the things you deserve soon. So now that I've said goodbye, it's time to be strong and face this life without my best friend.