I know I have been a little distant from you for quite sometime. I am just in a place where I don't know the answer to anything, everything.
I know it hurts when I don't answer to your I love yous or even your I miss yous. I know it hurts when I don't show up in your games as often as I did. I know it hurts when you tell me stories and I only shrug in reply. I know it hurts when you want to spend time with me and all I give you in return are my lame excuses. I know it hurts when I never ask if you're okay when you are obviously in pain. I know it hurts when I tell you I'll spend time with you, only to cancel the plans I made later.
Trust me, I know. I know what's going on in your mind. I know you're hurt. But please know that I am hurt, too.
Ever since I knew you cheated on me, I just needed time to think—if this was all worth it. If you were still worth it. For days, we just kept fighting about a lot of things. I couldn't sleep well, kept thinking about my fears and all the possibilities. Then one day, I caught you cheating on me. It felt like my whole world crashed and burned. It was difficult to breathe, my mind was empty, and my heart was shattered. I forced you to choose between her and me. You chose her.
Then you came back to me, asking for forgiveness, asking if you could come back. I love you so much that I said yes to you again when I saw how really sorry you were. I love you so much that I already forgave you without you asking me to, you and the girl you cheated on me with.
But here's what you should know: I can't forgive myself.
I can't forgive myself because I thought I wasn't good enough for you that's why some girl was able to ruin what we've had for years. I can't forgive myself for doubting you so much, because our memories were slowly tainted with questions whether you were lying to me at those times or not. I can't forgive myself because at the back of my mind, I thought that I was the real reason why you cheated—even if you said it was completely your fault.
I am hurt, too, whenever I can't bring myself to tell you how much I love and miss you. I am hurt, too, whenever you expect me to watch your games but I can't bring myself to. I am hurt, too, whenever you feel unloved. I feel like I just need to hold back a little even if it hurts you. I need to take a few steps back for my own sake.
I love you so much that I also want you back in my life. I love you so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you so much that I forgot that I should love myself, too. I am not breaking up with you. But I hope you'd stay while I am fixing me. Please hold me until I completely forgive myself. I do not want us to fall apart. I never want you out of my life.