I've realized that you and your name has been quite a part of my everyday life—not really every day but every time I hang out with my friends, you're always part of our conversation. They don't do it to intentionally bring back the pain or to tease me, but you were always just kinda there. I guess. Always related to my name. You and me. Together. Not together. Together. Lost. Back again. Ours was a maddening cycle of love.
"How are the two of you?"
"Not talking" or
"Eh, we're fine. I guess this time, it'll be all right" or
"I stopped replying. I'm just so tired you know?"
"Have you moved on?"
"I have. Yeah, maybe" or
"I'm getting there, trust me" or
"Ha! Hundred percent!"
And there are a hundred more questions and opinions and conversations revolving around you, the things we did, our current situation, our future, anything they could talk about us. The answers have always been truthful even though it varies from which point of cycle we were at.
It's either you're gone or you're back or in between.
They ask. I answer. A pause then they'd look at me as if all of my answers were wrong or weren't enough.
I am not mad. I'm really not. I understand where my friends are coming from. I guess it's my fault for always talking about you before; about how I've let the pain consume me, how the mere mention of your name made me feel bitter and angry. I cursed you and your name yet somehow, while doing this, it made me miss you even more. And then it transitioned to calm waves of pretending to be fine and pretending to be fine even more for months and months and months. Almost a year of these solid answers and it finally took effect.
I guess it's all coming back—the realization that maybe I talked about you too much, and now I can't escape the prison I'm always thrown in whenever we have you as a passing subject of our conversations. It's like I have your name ringing in my ear every time.
Hearing your name doesn't put me on the edge anymore. Nor does it make me stop in my tracks or make my heart drop or even make my heart skip a beat like it did before. Now your name is just a name.
But I guess I have to deal with your name every single time you come up starting now. I have realized that you'll always be a part of me even when we are over. Always. Or for at least a very long time.